The Tao of Perfection…

As with everything in nature we are already perfect.

It is therefore a misunderstanding to seek perfection.

 

This is another blog in the series of my thoughts and experiences gained from my therapy practice which highlights emotional “avoidance” techniques:

‘Seeking perfection’ is a misguided aspiration I frequently encounter when working with clients on their personal belief systems. I believe, in some circumstances, it can be an example of the misunderstandings promoted by the Ego (1) as it attempts to protect us from acute painful emotional feelings. These feelings may result from a current situation or an emotional projection into the future, whereby we anticipate negative events or consequences.

Feelings created from a current situation are typically as a result of emotional avoidance and the subsequent negative effect on personal self-worth and authentic potential. Future projection is usually based on previous negative (sometimes childhood) emotional experiences, which have left us with a deep and painful emotional ‘scar’. In this instance the Ego mind then becomes ‘programmed’ to avoid any situations that may evoke a recurrence of this extremely negative physiological sensation.

Avoidance can manifest in many forms, which I will continue to discuss in future blogs. One of the avoidances I have identified concerning future projection is ‘seeking perfection’, highlighting the misunderstanding that; if everything that we do is perfect, or everything was perfect, then painful negative physiological emotions will be not generated. The perceived benefit being that we then don’t have to experience emotional pain or suffering, now or in the future.

The generic label I use to describe the immensity of these powerful negative emotional feelings is, ‘the feeling of fear’, however, I fully understand that this or any other phrases do not convey the enormity of the physiological sensations personally being experienced.

In my professional experience the misunderstanding of ‘seeking perfection’ can have many sources or root causes.  A typical scenario could result from an individual being heavily criticised as a child and so the generic label of ‘the feeling of ‘fear’ would be more accurately described as ‘the feeling of being criticised or judged’. Of course there may be many other factors at the root, such as: feeling unloved, unlovable, unwanted and unimportant, feeling relegated in a parent’s affections, feeling jealous of a sibling etc.  The emotional label used will reflect the nature of the circumstances which created the original physiological sensations.

Our first experiences of these acute emotional feelings may have occurred as early as six or seven years old. It is around this time when the sensitivity of our emotions is developing and for a very sensitive child this could be ahead of their psychological rational and reasoning powers.

I would also like you to consider that ‘seeking approval’ for our actions and words can be included within the same misunderstanding and that; if others agree and approve of our actions and words, we won’t have to deal with the acute negative emotional feelings that can arise from experiencing the disagreement or scorn of others.

My understanding has grown to be that ‘seeking perfection’ and / or ‘seeking approval’ is actually an avoidance strategy. The roots of this avoidance can frequently be traced back to the childhood situations and events that created the original painful and hurtful emotional feelings. Addressing such acute physiological sensations in a mature way is difficult when we are very young because we lack emotional education, so an ‘immature’ avoidance strategy develops.

Undoubtedly when we were children this avoidance helped alleviate some of the immediate physiological discomfort. Over time however this childhood coping technique has surreptitiously been buried deep into our Yin mind (2) and so its origins may never have been addressed, matured, re-evaluated or developed by us as adult.

So, using the above example, it is very natural and authentic for a child to seek love and approval from their parents and if they perceive that this is not forthcoming, for whatever reason, they can sometimes develop a strategy to obtain that love and approval and avoid any extremely negative physiological sensations associated with feeling rejected, unloved, worthless etc.

The psychological imbalance resulting from this avoidance strategy often only begins to appear and increase later on in life, when as adults our life situations are still being (mis)interpreted and acted upon from an immature Yin mind and belief system. Continual avoidance of negative physiological sensations means our emotions become more difficult to balance. This is not conducive for reasonable, rational and mature decision-making to take place and it actually increases the ‘feeling of fear’ rather than diminishing it. This is not only paradoxical but very confusing for us and affects our self-worth and confidence levels on a very fundamental personal level.

This avoidance strategy becomes a perverse ‘Ego circle’ (3) within our subconscious mind that we perceive to be impenetrable and unbreakable and so we habitually depend on our immature ‘Yin mind’ to resolve current life situations rather than employing a balanced, rational and mature way of thinking.

Over time this avoidance and confusion in our thinking can become habitual and slowly, almost unnoticed and certainly in most cases unchallenged, becomes an entrenched belief system.

So, although we may see no logical mature reason why we should work very hard to please people and seek perfection, indeed our mature ‘Yang mind’ (4) knows that perfection is unachievable and only a perception, our ‘Yin mind’ still has the power to override this logic as it seeks to protect us from any negative physiological emotional sensations we may encounter.

If you think this scenario may apply to you consider what I label the ‘I don’t know why’ answer, when asked a question similar to; “why do you do that?” or “why do you think that way?” would you reply “I don’t know why”? If you hear yourself replying or thinking this way you may have reached an emotional block. This needs to be explored to understand whether this is part of your mature belief system that can be logically articulated and justified, or an avoidance of perceived negative emotional feelings.

In my therapy practice I have observed that this confusion between what is a physiological response and what is a psychological response, and the resulting ‘cross-contamination’ of the two, can also manifest in more obvious physical health symptoms such as; weight problems, headaches or migraines, IBS, ulcers, sleep disorders, skin disorders, etc. This may be one of the reasons why some Western medical treatments do not always work well as they fail to identify the underlying cause of the health problem and so treat the wrong imbalanced energy.

So, in conclusion, always try to distinguish the difference between the description of a physiological feeling, and a mature, logical and developed personal belief. Be mindful of your actions and thoughts, and any Ego circles that you may have created to ‘avoid’. Focus on and identify the greater ‘feeling of fear’ that you are attempting to avoid. Trust that Ego circle avoidances will become extinct when you learn appropriate techniques to address and neutralise them. You can then return to a more authentic path towards your true self-worth and potential.

Be mindful not choose short-term self-comfort over long-term aspirations of self-worth!

Meditate and consider the following:

Do you seek perfection or approval? What is the origin of this misunderstanding?

Do you hear yourself using the “I don’t know why” answer? Are you aware of the ‘energy’ blockage that this represents?

Do you ever sacrifice self-worth over self-comfort? What is the ‘pay-off’ of doing this?

Some affirmations:

I am perfect.

I am in full control of balancing and harmonising my personal energy.

I address challenging emotional situations with calmness and compassion and gain insight and inner strength from this process.

Every emotional challenge is a step towards my true self-worth – I will not deviate from my authentic path of love and potential.

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(1)    ‘Ego’ is a term I use to describe the mind being ‘out of balance’ or ‘inauthentic’. This does not relate to the Freudian terminology.

(2)    ‘Yin mind’ is a term I use to describe the subconscious.

(3)    ‘Ego circle’ is a term I used to describe the negative cycle of avoidance thinking that seems unbreakable.

(4)    ‘Yang mind’ is a term I use for the conscious mind.