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I have previously mentioned how I like to work through a process of interconnecting areas (I prefer to call them Boxes) of misunderstanding and imbalances with my clients, which may have a negative effect on core intentions and corrupt belief systems.
These Boxes can form the foundation of many internal disharmonies and imbalances, within yourself and the Universe flow (Tao).
Here are some of the main boxes we try and work through, of course in no particular order of importance or significance and having the freedom and flexibility to address any Box leaving and returning when appropriate.
A selection of the misunderstanding boxes are:
- Being Special
- The Vow
- Mortality
- Accepting No Universal Linear progression
- Accepting Universal Change/Unpredictability
These misunderstanding boxes are so important and have many implications and connotations that have a direct negative effect to core intention which then leads to a corrupt belief system, which then leads to imbalances. I will do several more detailed posts on these misunderstandings.
Here is a selection of the imbalance boxes:
- Intelligence
- Sensitivity
- Emotions
- Dislike of Confrontation
- Dislike of Self Discipline
- Need for stimulation/immediacy
- Stubbornness
- Creativity/Artistic
- Sense of Injustice/Unfairness
- Need to be Liked and/or Please others
These are only a section of some of the misunderstanding and imbalance Boxes I deal with, of course your boxes would be unique and personal to you.
Perhaps on this post we could we could have a quick look at one of the imbalance boxes, it give you an idea of the process, before I go into them in more details in future posts.
When you are in the depths of despair, and the feelings of stress, anxiousness and the feeling of fear (FOF) are at their worse a reaction I encounter from clients is to lose faith, doubt and question themselves and their unique abilities.
One of the main characteristics I have noticed that come into doubt and question is their intelligence.
I often hear clients saying “I don’t know why…”, “I know this does not make sense…” or “I think I’m going mad!” In answer to question I have asked about why they do or think in a certain way, or are acting in a certain way.
This type avoidance, misunderstanding and imbalance create a mental rigidity, and the result of this rigid polarised thinking causes the box to slip out of balance. Lao Tzu says. “When the body is alive, it is soft and supple – it is cold and rigid when it dies. When plants are alive, they are tender and trailing – and burt and brittle when dead”.
The worse case of this rigid behaviour is the Ego swing from one extreme to the other.
If, in this example, it’s their ‘intelligence’ Box they lose a sense of their authentic balance, rational and harmonious thought, instead they either get stuck in one extreme or swing between extremes which are feelings of stupidity or arrogance.
I love the Dictonary.com definition of intelligence:
Intelligence -
- Capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity; aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc.
- The faculty of understanding
.
Or the Freedictonary.com definition;
Intelligence – the ability to comprehend; to understand and profit from experience.
Both of the above describe the balanced middle ground of the intelligence Box, the capacity for learning means to have open, flexible and harmonious thought and then authentic behaviour and actions will follow.
This example highlights another interesting observation I have made, I find that the extremes in each box have very strong, emotive, negative sounding words to describe them, in this case; Arrogance and Stupidity.
Of course I am not saying the person I’m working with is arrogance or stupid, just describing the extreme of the pendulum or the box being out of balance. But this goes to show how difficult it is to works on these Boxes.
Have a look at the Boxes see which one jumps out at you.
Ask yourself; what would be the extremes of this box for me?
What name or label would I give to the extremes?
Do I swing from one extreme to the other?
Do the extremes feel ridged and fixed?
What physical feelings develop when thinking about those extremes?
Have I ever avoided a Box because of those physical feelings?
How could I find the more balanced, harmonies centre ground?
I have observed and written about how our emotions can resemble a pendulum swinging from one Ego extreme to the other, instead of finding the calm, balanced authentic way which is usually somewhere in the middle of the two extremes (see the ‘Don’t swing….sway’ post July ‘08).
One of the most common examples of this phenomenon is what I call the ‘Perfection Pendulum’
As with all Ego extremes, at the root of this pendulum phenomena are, what seems to be positive intentions and aspirations. For example, hoping for and expecting perfection in the outcome of challenging or difficult situations, or aspiring to self perfection over other perceived ‘rivals’.
From my clinical experience this intention and expectation of perfection, whether in life or ourselves, has normally been planted by parental figures in our childhood, again, usually with the best of intentions, perhaps even as encouragement in many situations.
Typical reasons include encouragement to drive the child on to be a high achiever as a way to counteract what is perceived as ‘laziness’ or poor motivation; as a demonstrative example of family pride or as a way of recapturing lost opportunities in their own lives; a constant misunderstanding ‘proof of love’; or a misguided understanding of parental responsibilities. The reasons can be many and varied and sometimes very hard to spot and understand because of the subtleness.
Positive encouragement is not a bad thing, what is however, is when it becomes tied to a child’s performance and its rewards. This generates an unintentional ‘programming’ process within the mind of the child which engages the child in a negative cycle of thinking and behaving.
A child naturally wants to perform, please and receive positive strokes and it can quickly comes to understand that ‘performing’, and demonstrating goodness, success and perfection, in all its shapes and forms, is a fast track way to claiming the reward of its parents positive attention and praise. The child also becomes aware that underperformance, or even simply just failing to excel in the eyes of the parent, can be met with parental disapproval or simply silence and the withdrawal of the positive strokes that the child craves so much.
And so the ‘perfection’ programme becomes rooted in the child’s psyche. ‘To be perfect is to be lovable’ becomes the deep-seated misunderstanding.
Please do not misunderstand my observations. I am not saying that it is wrong to encourage your child to achieve their appropriate best in every situation or give your child love, support and encouragement. I am proposing that this should be done in a balanced and harmonious way that is appropriate for the individual child and their own unique abilities and life development and learning.
It can often be difficult for parents to strike the correct balance. I acknowledge from my personal experience, and from reviewing my client’s experiences, how difficult it is to parent our children in the most balanced, effective and appropriate way at all times. It can sometimes feel almost impossible to get it ‘right’. Children as part of their own learning procedure can also be very challenging, awkward, stubborn, non-articulate or just downright difficult! (This is part of their pendulum, which I will explain in another post)
Often with clients there is a need to reflect on and understand their parental figure’s teaching and whether they have been on the receiving end of ‘perfection programming’ and its payoff.
If striving for perfection is something you strive for, then hand in hand with this misunderstanding will come the feelings of ‘inadequacy’ that will inevitably surface when you fail to reach your perfect expectations. Thus, if ‘perfection’ is at one extreme on your pendulum, then ‘inadequacy’ forms the other, and you will find that you will always swing between one and the other. I commonly find clients trying to reach an unachievable perfection, failing and then swinging into feelings of inadequacy.
As you can imagine, and have perhaps even felt yourself, this ‘perfection pendulum’ can send us on a powerful emotional rollercoaster that creates immense negative Ego feelings. We can have fleeting moments of joy, elation, self-satisfaction and release, with the misunderstanding of achieving perfection which can rapidly and dramatically shifts to feelings of disappointment, anxiety, stress, failure, hopelessness, despondency and loss.
Feelings of ‘perfection’ and ‘inadequacy’ are both equally unhealthy states of mind that are based on complete misunderstandings – for we can neither be perfect or inadequate, this is a Universal truth.
In fact I have found that people who commonly suffer from feelings of inadequacy are highly intelligent, motivated, determined individuals, but they get trapped in the ‘pendulum programme’. The harder they try to achieve their perfection (in whatever shape of form that may take) the more this imaginary goal eludes them and they more suffer from feelings of inadequacy.
Ironically, the only perfection they obtain is the perfect ‘Ego Circle’, which means the harder they try the more they fail, the more they fail the harder they try!
One method to break out of the ‘perfection pendulum’ that I often recommend is:
Stop – pause – step back from the situation and the feelings – ask yourself if you are on the perfection pendulum – if so, review your expectations in a calm and balanced way…
This is a very difficult habit to break, but, as always, the first step is being able to recognise that you have the misunderstanding of ‘perfection’ or ‘inadequacy’ before the habit can be changed.
Try asking yourself the following questions:
Do you recognise this pendulum syndrome?
Who or what was your ‘role model’ for this behaviour?
Do you think it has any merit or benefit in your life?
If so, how could you adjust your thinking to bring you greater benefits?
Do you recognise when you are doing it?
What would it take for you to step back and create some space in your thinking to find the middle balanced ground?
Do you think that you would be letting anyone down?
Do you think anyone would be disappointed with you if you changed this action?
It seems very unhelpful to me that here in the U.K. our mental health and its condition has such negative overtones.
We are quite happy to talk and work openly on our physical health and wellbeing, but something that is equally, if not more important, is kept in the ‘shadows’. Our mental health is often only talked about in terms of ‘stress’ and being ‘under pressure’ or being ‘under the weather’.
It is a real taboo area for many and it is a popular misconception that ‘stress’ and ‘depression’ are signs of weakness or inadequacy in an individual. As a consequence no constructive action is taken to deal with feelings of stress or depression. This is in stark contrast to the much more proactive way many of us will readily and openly tackle issues with our physical health, such as being overweight or having aches and pains.
I believe that, if this negative attitude to our mental health was revised so that metal health issues were not thought of as sole preserve of the ‘weak’ but relevant to all, then diagnosis and remedy would be simpler and quicker.
In the same way as someone who has pulled a shoulder muscle whilst playing golf would take immediate steps to get back on form, more care and thought would be given to rehabilitation, maintenance and metal fitness as a means of recovering from a period of stress or depression.
More importantly, in the same way as people are coached in sport to improve their performance and limit any future mishaps or injuries, and individual can be coached or counseled to avoid future episodes of stress or depression, which may reoccur simply through incorrect habits of action or misunderstandings in their thinking.
Sound mental health, as well as our physical health, is a precious gift that we should not take for granted. We should all take responsibility and nurture and care for it on a daily basis.
A few questions that may help you consider this point more fully:
Do you consider feelings of stress, anxiety or depression a weakness?
What are your views on friends or colleagues who are suffering with stress or depression?
Do you judge your performance and abilities against friends and colleagues?
Do you find you are constantly comparing yourself against other people and how well you perceive them to be coping with life?
How does this process of comparing make you feel?
Do you think your health and wellbeing should be actively maintained? Does this include your metal health and wellbeing? If not why not?
Are you fearful of considering your own mental health and wellbeing? Where has this fear come from?
What could you do differently this week to give yourself a positive mental health workout and help you maintain a healthy metal attitude and wellbeing?
One of the questions I frequently get asked when working with someone on complicated emotional issues is, “How do you think I’m doing?”
My heart sinks, because a) it is an impossible question to answer, and b) it signals that the patient is still bought into the idea of a linear straight line of progression.
I do not believe that anything in life follows a straight line that can be measured or judged against, let alone a person’s healing or health.
I see life and its passage more as a group of interconnected ‘boxes’ or ‘areas’ which we have to navigate, explore and understand in an effort to bring each of each experience into balance and harmony.
That may mean that we may have to do some work in one ‘box’, which then affects another ‘box’, which may in turn allows us to return back to the first ‘box’ with a fresh perspective or alternatively open up a new, previously undisclosed, box and so on…..
By being in the moment and not looking for forward progression or making sideways comparisons with others, we are then free to take time to challenge, confront, understand and learn in each ‘box’ or episode of our lives in an effort to balance and harmonise.
This is all part of our unique journey towards reaching our true potential, or in my words ‘our greatness’. (I guess this relates to the well used saying that it is the ‘journey’ not the ‘destination’ which counts.)
This twisting and turning of life’s explorations and experiences relates and mirrors the Universe way (Tao).
If our intention is to work on achieving learning, balance and harmony using this process, we leave ourselves open to be flexible and adaptable. We may lose occasional battles along the way, but not the war!
Spend some time today considering the following questions:
Do you focus more on the destination rather than the journey of life?
When was the last time you saw the value and learning from a difficult situation?
How would it feel if you could pause a while and savour the moment rather than looking forwards or sideways all the time?
What would you notice and do differently if you could pause?
When working with clients we sometimes observe how events in their childhood still play a major part in their mature life.
It is true that many misunderstandings start in our childhood/adolescent life, for many reasons (which we discuss in other posts).
One of the powerful Ego reactions in childhood I have observed is what I call ‘The Vow’
This is a reaction to an event that has happen in you which has given you the Feeling of Fear (FOF). And because of your young age and lack of life experience, the feelings that have been created seem immensely overwhelming, both emotionally and physically.
It is difficult enough to deal with a mature balanced mind, so imagine how impossible and scary it must seem when you are a child.
To make it more even more confusing and difficult to understand, the person or persons involved with the negative ‘event’ could be the same as those who should be teaching you appropriate life skills to deal with such events.
Because of our immature mind, we do not have the knowledge or ‘tools’ to deal with those feelings in a balance and harmonious way.
So the only alternative/ justification we have available is to make an Ego Vow such as: I will never let that happen to me again! No one will ever hurt me again! I will never be like him/her! You can only rely on yourself! You cannot trust anyone! Life is unfair! I have to protect myself against pain! Things should work out the way I planned them, The Universal is against me! Everyone’s against me! I am on my own!
Once this kind of Ego vow has been made it becomes very difficult to remove, because of the young age it becomes part of your developing belief system. Something you then own and will not change or give up lightly.
One of the problems I encounter when addressing this issue is that when the vow was made it did make a difference and help you through a very difficult and painful situation. So in a way you have faith in it. In other words it was positive at the time
But then the vow gets set in concrete, which also connects to your stubbornness and then has a major impact on the rest of our life. Because of the rigidity of the vow it can causes you to go out of balance and harmony very easily when addressing life’s twists and turns.
A good analogy I use to highlight this situation is to compare the vow to one taken by Second World War Japanese soldier, who has been then been isolated on a remote Island. Still fighting the war when he is discovered, stuck in the past, holding on to values and beliefs that were true and correct when he took the vow, but now are over 50 years old, not aware that the vow although ‘correct’ at the time is now inappropriate.
Obviously very proud of his previous actions, stubbornness and determination to survive adversity. But also fearful of being tricked and not prepared to give up 50 years of hard struggle. Unaware that times and the World has moved on and events have changed because of his isolation.
Just in the same way as the Ego isolates you!
Why not meditate quietly on some of these questions;
Do you have any vows formed in your childhood?
Are those vows, beliefs as relevant today as they were when you were a child?
What would change if you freed yourself from the restraint of those vows?
If you examined those vows from a mature balanced mind, are they helpful towards you reaching your true potential?
Would your life be better or worse if you released those vows?
Are the vows with or against the Universal flow?
Only the Ego sees progress in straight lines,
The Universe does not work in, or understand straight lines.
There is no Universal straight linear progression of situations, events or emotions. If you believe or desire otherwise your Ego is likely to be involved.
Thinking in straight lines creates misunderstandings in our thinking, inner and outer disharmony and will eventually lead you into the negative ‘Ego circle’.
For example, the following thinking is incorrect: ‘last week was two, this week is four, so next week will be six and the week after eight‘…and so on.
We can replace the numbers in this example with a variety of things based on our own individual circumstances and expectations.
Often it can be about seeking, desiring and expecting an improvement in ourselves, our circumstances/lives, or the behaviors of others.
Whatever the basis of the thinking, believing that progression is uniform and can be exactly controlled, measured, projected and predicted, is a fundamental misunderstanding of the ‘Universal Way’ (Tao).
Using the analogy of a mathematical chart, harboring this sort of misunderstanding means that you go about constructing your own inner chart upon which you plot an imaginary linear projection of anticipated progress. This chart, which is personal to you, will be used by your Ego to judge and score you against the line of progress, even though it is entirely imaginary and has no basis in reality and how things actually work.
Similar inner charts can be created and used by your Ego when ‘evaluating’, and therefore being judgmental against, other people – your partner, family, friends, work colleagues etc.
When this ‘straight line’ way of forecasting and measuring progress has been created in your mind it becomes what I call a ‘measuring stick’. This stick allows your Ego to operate with immunity and the Ego will readily use the stick as a tool to beat and chastise you with – often unmercifully!!
This ‘measuring stick’ is used in many ways, but most commonly when comparing and judging you against other people, situation or events (which I will discuss in more detail in another post).
The Ego will convince you that the ‘measuring stick’ is beneficial to you as it will help keep you on track, drive you forward to achieve more, and ultimately be advantageous for you and your life.
This of course is entirely WRONG thinking!!
Moreover, as soon as you buy into the ‘measuring stick ‘concept the Ego will continue to move the target or ‘goal posts’, setting higher, further, greater projections and challenges so that you can never really achieve any kind of sense of achievement or resolution. As a result you will never be happy or be satisfied with your lot. Everything becomes about wanting, wishing, and striving to reach that impossible, elusive and imaginary goal!
You have now entered into the negative ‘Ego Circle’, where all your energy is spent on chasing a misunderstanding and feeling bad about your ‘failure’ to meet the measuring stick targets and keep up the pace in the game that your Ego has set for you.
In such situations your Authentic Self withdraws and you get stuck going round and round in a negative loop. This inevitably leads to stress, depression and anxiety, all because of the power you have given to this imaginary measuring stick.
Spend some time today thinking about you own ‘measuring stick’.
What does the stick look like?
What are the targets set along your stick? Where did they come from? Did someone give them to you? Do they feel authentic?
When do you use the measuring stick and on whom? How long have you been using it?
How has this tool helped you in your life and how you view yourself and others?
What has been the payoff for using the measuring stick?
What would it feel like if you could throw the stick away and no longer have to measure?
