Be the best that you can be

Be the best that you can be….. Not the best in the world!

This is one of the ‘mantras’ I use when working with clients who compare themselves unfavourably with others ; comparing oneself with others is a constant source of disappointment and frustration, that builds up stress, anxiety and depression.

This misunderstanding then forms a very bad habit that leads into the ‘Ego circle’.

The process of comparing does not stand up to any kind of balanced scrutiny, how can you compare yourself with anyone? Just think how complex and deep thinking you are, and how difficult it is to understand yourself, do you think that you can make an informed judgement on others and their lives? And then make informed comparison.

The answer is of course you can’t! It is completely impossible! It is a total misunderstanding!

Comparing is a perfect example of how the Ego works in a seemingly perverse complicated way, (it feels as if it’s working against you) it plays on many of your deeper fears, one of which is reaching your true potential, (what I like to call..Your greatness!)

Because of it’s perverseness it is difficult to explain the process, but here goes;

Reaching your greatness involves taking risks, being responsible for your own actions and outcomes, or even the possibility of failing!

That thought crates deep fears, which of course manifests in negative physical feelings, mostly in your chest or tummy, (What I like to call ‘Feeling of Fear’ (FOF) ).

It is the avoidance of these fears and potential feelings (FOF) that enables the Ego to operate and crates the perverse circle.

One of the Ego thoughts would work something like this; ‘Look how successful/beautiful/clever/etc. ‘X’ is… I could never be as good as them, I may fail, so it’s no use trying.

The ‘FOF’ is so enormous … complicated avoidance is the only way to deal with the issue or problem, whilst not loosing ‘face’.

But the dilemma is; not trying and avoiding goes against your inner authentic self.

That authentic self wants to you naturally flow on with the intention of reaching your true personal potential.

When the misunderstanding and confliction is in place the result is; anxiety, stress or depressions, as you divert onto the ‘Ego circle’ and an unbalanced state of being.

This is the kind of misunderstanding that I call the ‘Ego circle’.

So, what is the background of the misunderstanding and avoidance? And where, and why did it start?

I usually find that sometime in adolescent there has been; bulling, embarrassment, suppression of emotions or a misunderstood parental teaching in someway, that crated the original ‘FOF’ which then placed a powerful block or stagnation within your understanding of how you’re authentic self works and connects with the Universe.

 This block or stagnation makes it difficult to obtain an authentic balance (Or what society calls ‘self esteem or self confidence)

Once your start avoiding the ‘FOF’ the misunderstanding is reinforced and Ego circle is strengthening by habit!

There would have been many more instances of avoidances during your life that would continue to reinforce the misunderstanding as well as strengthening and enforcing the Ego circle.

You become so fearful of failure and/or being judged by others as being a failure, because that reminds you of the awful, disabillitating painful feeling (FOF), so you avoid the situation completely.

Comparing yourself with other allows you the avoidance, because you can use that as justification. You can say to yourself something like; “I will never be as good as them, so it’s no good me even trying”

Then comes the aftermath of that thought (cause and effect); “I am inadequate, a failure, I will look stupid, and people will laugh, mock me or poke fun at my expense” … I hate that feeling (FOF) with intensity so I avoid it at all costs…

As with all Ego matters, this can become more involved and complicated, The Ego loves complication! It makes it more difficult for you to spot.

For instance, sometimes you will see others for their true selves and be able to spot their Ego’s. Or realise that it cannot be correct to compare, then your Ego will do something really cleaver like; creating a ‘super’ person, a composition of the perceived ‘best bits’ of everyone you know; friends, colleagues, siblings, even unknown faceless people you see in the street. Then you create a ‘super’ person you can compare against.

This gives you the perfect justification for your avoidance because no one can challenge your creation, because they do not exist! And as an added bonus you can change or update it whenever you need to!

Comparing yourself is just an Ego justification of a misunderstanding that has lead to an avoidance of the feeling of fear. (FOF)

I find that this is more common in females, as the whole of the fashion industry is based on, and promotes this Ego misunderstanding, sadly, especially for teenage girls.

That is why there are so many fashion magazines, Television shows and advertisements playing on this Ego misunderstanding and fear.

There is a great deal of money and time invested into this industry.

 

Balance & Harmony.

We usually only really address the matter of our own balance and harmony when we are at a junction of the most difficult and stressful times in our lives,

In other words, when we feel forced into it!

Normally diagnosed as: Depression, anxiety, breakdown, worry or stress.

It is the dilemma of looking at, and trying to understand our own unique character and personalities. And how we align within the Universal flow whilst trying to understand our lives and thinking has bought us to this crisis point.

Unfortunately most of us put this type of thinking off until the time of perceived crisis.

Then try to develop a successful strategy to work through a difficult time, situation or crisis in our lives whilst wrestling with the inadequate life model we have created for ourselves.

Although, obviously this is not the most advantageous of times to undertake such a balanced and rational piece of thinking, I sometimes wonder if this is the way it has to be. Perhaps the bigger the crisis the more opportunity we have to achieve true understanding, then balance and harmony.

The analogy I sometimes use; Seems like a train of the wrong track, should you wait for a point’s junction and divert it back on to the correct track, smoothly and easily, or does it need to be blown up off one track onto the correct one. The later of course involves far more ‘upset’

That junction means that we either address the issues in our core beliefs and strike out on a new track, or continue on the same track and avoid the opportunity provided but that brings on the feeling of fear I have talked about previously.

Perhaps it’s a case of…

• Undesired outcome – Feared… But known.
• Desired outcome – Feared… But unknown.

Our ‘core beliefs’ or philosophy on life are usually based on a mixture of Parental models, childhood and adolescent experiences, religious beliefs and learned, usually avoiding behaviours gained during the previous difficult experiences we have encountered.

Usually we have never really had the need to rationalise these into one cohesive model that would stand up to close scrutiny or challenge.

The problem being that our continuing avoidance of fear causes us to consider or accept the proposition that we may be inadequate, apart or special.

Although on an authentic level this does not feel correct, and causes us a great deal of stress and anxiety, it does enable us to continue our avoidance tactics.

This is a misunderstanding! That leads to unbalance and disharmony.

 

 

Depression is not a weakness!

Make no mistake; people who ‘suffer’ from depression, anxiety, stress or generally feeling down with life…. are not weak or in anyway inadequate!!

 

In fact the opposite is true, I find they are intelligent, sensitive, creative and artistic and usually….very stubborn and determined – they are extremely strong people

 

Their feelings may be disabling, they may feel weak, lost or inadequate, but this is only part of an illusion created by the Ego to avoid a ‘situation’ or ‘issue’.

 

Rather than focus and reacting on the surface Ego feelings that are momentarily shouting the loudest for attention, the characteristics that should be examined are the individual’s dislike of confronting and/or self discipline, their need for immediacy and stimulation, their pervasive sense of injustice and struggle for ‘fairness’, and their need to please others and to be externally liked and praised.

 

I find that the feelings associated with depression, anxiety, stress etc. usually stem from a misunderstanding, normally gained from their childhood or adolescence. Misunderstanding such as:

 

• Believing that confronting is an inappropriate or aggressive behaviour. So they fall into the habit of avoiding (which is just as harmful), instead of sensibly confronting situations or issues in a calm and balanced manner (i.e. NOT a ‘confrontational’ manner).

 

• Believing a worthwhile and fulfilled life is one filled with only joyful and pleasant experiences (perhaps interspersed by the occasional ‘dramatic’ episode), without which life would be considered ‘dull’ or ‘inferior’. In this imagined storybook life they become the ‘Princess’ or ‘Prince’ in a starring role and can act in accordance to their whims and fancies without a balanced consideration of the consequences.

 

• Believing that their sense of ‘fairness’ is shared, or should be, by everyone else, and that this is aligned with the Universe, which makes them Judge and Jury over events in theirs and others lives.

 

• Believing that they can only be loveable/worthwhile/capable when confirmed by others, so absolving them of all responsibility to self love and self critique in a loving and balanced way.

 

 

Such misunderstandings lead to avoidance of issues and situations that should be confronted in a calm and balanced way.

 

But the dilemma is that confronting can bring on a ‘FEELING OF FEAR’ that is so powerful it seems easier to avoid, over time the habit of avoidance is formed.

 

So by failing to confront issues, which actually leads to real personal growth, the original misunderstandings remain unchallenged and intact.

 

This is what I call the perverse ‘EGO CIRCLE’.

 

Because of our habitual nature, the misunderstanding becomes difficult to break and the ‘Feeling of fear’ (these are immensely negative and scary emotional feelings that are physically created in the chest or tummy) only reinforce the avoidance strategy.

 

The feeling of fear may be self created but nevertheless the physiological response is very powerful and even disabilitating to some!

 

So how do these misunderstanding come about?

                                         

I believe these misunderstandings are normally unintentionally passed on from parental/powerful figures in childhood and adolescence life.

 

Or in a minority of cases a ‘childish’ obstinate opposite reaction to parental teaching.

  

Except in unusual circumstances, this Parental teaching is not done in anyway to harm or disadvantage the child, more like a continuation of unconscious misunderstandings and flow of habits passed on like a baton from one to another through family hierarchy or close knit peer groups or societal structures.

 

The giver will offer the misunderstanding as ‘the truth’ or as a piece of valuable advice given with love. The receiver will often accept the misunderstanding without question, particularly where there is a bond of love and trust between the giver and receiver.

 

A client said to me once, “It’s a shame we are not born with a life instruction book”. But I think we are! And one of the main instructions… ‘Please your parents!’

 

There should be no ‘fault’ or ‘blame’ to be laid at anyone’s door for this: just a correction in understanding is needed (this can be the difficult because of the feeling of fear and stubbornness!)

 

And herein lies the challenge:

 

Undoing a misunderstanding can be very difficult because the feeling of fear, though incredibly disempowering on the one hand, can also evoke determination and stubbornness in equal measure!

 

Those that are ‘fearful’ or have ‘physical feeling the fears’ are not at all weak or stupid individuals. On the contrary, they can and do demonstrate the ability mobilise an inner grit and resolve not to change their thinking that would rival the most disciplined. They have the ability to construct arguments that rationalise and justify their thinking that would outwit many….

 

… and so the misunderstanding and ‘Ego circle’ continues.

 

This is all done at the cost of the individual’s health, happiness and reaching their true potential.